It's been so long since I've felt like this. I can't even begin to articulate how elated I feel or how honest this is. I feel like a little boy again, not even thinking about the cautions that are awaiting with every new step or hiding in the shadows - just going. I guess I'm being careless, being reckless with my heart.. but what else is there to do? I'm looking forward to this and the future and what is awaiting Kayla and I.

Driving downtown tonight to get her some flowers at the farmer's market, I rolled my window down partially and the cool, crisp California winter air brushed through my hair and filled my car. The street lights and the stars and the giant moon and the water and all the people - I couldn't help but smile and think about how odd it truly is that I fell into this. Now I wouldn't expect it to go any other way. Being able to wake up next to her every morning, placing small kisses in discreet spots on her face, trying to keep each other warm, and slowly shifting positions with each other at night.. all these are things that I look forward to and cherish more and more every day.

No more skeletons in my closet, no more holding back. I feel good. One day, I'll be able to say all that I feel. For now, scribbles in the notebook that sits in my back pocket is enough. Making lists of things that make me think about you, lists of places I want to see with you, lists of dinners I want to make with you, newer heights that I want to see with you.. I guess those will do for now.

Los Angeles, her birthday, Thanksgiving in Santa Ynez, Christmas on the East Coast, New Years, Disneyland/my birthday, Valentine's Day, Greece, working at my tattoo shop, $2000 carriage..



In an infinite universe, it's odd that I'm here with you.

"Go easy. Be moderate and patient."


Falling.

The hurt that comes from being disappointed never lessens; it gets greater with every tumble and rattles in every hidden corner of a newly broken heart. I forgot how dizzying this is. Maybe for the better.

Tuesday December 16th:
Leave LAX @ 7:10am
layover in Cincinnati for 45 minutes
arrive at Bradley International @ 4:55pm.

Tuesday December 30th:
Leave Bradley International at 12:35pm
layover in Atlanta for 2 hours
arrive at LAX @ 7:34pm.

via Delta Airlines.



start planning the party now!

I had a date on Thursday and made dinner for Kayla. The menu included a yellow coconut curry with basmati rice, potatoes, carrots, celery, bell peppers, mushrooms, fresh basil, ground cumin and other assorted spices for the main dish, peanut butter fork criss-cross cookies for dessert, and Virgil's root beer for a drink. It tasted pretty okay; not great, but it was pretty good. It was my first time attempting to cook a yellow curry with coconut milk on my own. Next time, I'm going to add another 14oz can of coconut milk. Regardless, it was a really good night. I wish I had taken more pictures. I've been having so much fun with her lately, it feels really good. Fingers crossed, in the next few days, I'll have pictures of us carving pumpkins up.

After this picture was taken, of course I ended up going through an outfit change. Instead of the white button up, I put on the black oxford button up from work. I was wearing Luc's zine tshirt underneath it; always good luck. Miss you, luc!

Kayla bought me this really adorable porcelain figure from the art museum store before I had even pointed out to her that I really liked it! Her name is Frida. Today, there's a little Dia de los Muertos art exhibit at the museum that we're going to. And then on November 2nd, there are going to be so many little celebrations around Santa Barbara. I can't wait to take pictures and walk around. ///
I miss my friends back home a lot. I can't wait to go home for two weeks and hug my family again too.

///
We're reading Oedipus The King in my class this week. Arguably my favorite play, if not one of my utmost favorite pieces of literature altogether. Sophocles was way before his time, allowing for the concepts of truth, consciousness, and fate to be closely weaved through every line that he wrote. Every time I read that play, I get chills.

///
I have to get my hands touched up already. I'm going to message Jon Hall in LA soon about doing the top of my right hand. I want to get that done before coming home in December. Going from paying $700/month to $350/month is going to be the worst thing for me since I'll have so much extra money to spend on getting tattooed again. Oh well! One life, one chance.

///
Never going back to Macy's again. At least not in the Ventura Mall. If you know me, then you'll know why. My perfect streak came to an end.

Pure Luck Cafe in Los Angeles, sweet potato fries burrito, San Juan Capistrano, vegan blueberry scones, Mother's market, new friends, puppies, falling out of trees, Verse in Anaheim.


Lastly, I will back Sean no matter what. Always. I love that kid and he has always served as a beacon of inspiration amidst a sea of shitheads throughout hardcore, and my life. He has always been a good friend with a great head on his shoulders and a critical mind. It's funny how things like this work, the end of the world to some people and a new consciousness arises for others. Having this happen, and seeing things put into action and words being spoken, it really puts it into perspective how people choose to view other people for their decisions, their personal choices, and their lives. Straightedge was never about making sure everyone around you stays that way through intimidation and social pressure; that is completely contradictory to any sort of 'radical' beliefs. Being straightedge is purely a personal choice that only you can say is good for your life. The benefits of living a drug free lifestyle are clear and obvious, there's no denying that - but because someone chooses not to recognize those as a choice for themselves, you cannot slight them at all.

There are things that happen deeper than blaming civilization for giving us addiction, for the mainstream social pressure of consuming drugs and substances, and even just the idea that someone is willing to walk away from being straightedge. It's commendable for someone to walk away, simply bow out, after realizing that straightedge isn't for them anymore - that sort of lifestyle can drain some people dry instead of give hope and deeper aspirations. There is no doubt that living against the grain of modern society is hard; it is defeating often and really can leave you feeling alone and in utter solitude. It takes immense personal strength, perseverance, and determination. There are days when you feel like you are absolutely alone and the only one who feels that way - THAT is alienation in its purest form. It IS a struggle to be vegan straightedge; to be an anarchist, a radical, etc.

Anyway - much in the case of Sean, I can assume, an unconscious decision happened where not just one instance can be targeted as a reason why. There is more to it, and as an outsider, there is no telling what the other thoughts and motivations are beyond speculation, positive or negative. Regardless - there are no making excuses or hypothesizing or whatever. Don't base your friendships solely off the fact that someone else is vegan, straightedge, radical, gay, straight, trans, a drug addict, anything; base a friendship off how kind the person is, what you can learn from them, and trust. Labels are superficial and only serve to do just that - label a certain lifestyle or music or anything. Strip away 'straight', 'edge', 'xxx', 'drug', 'free' and you'll still get the same thing - a commitment to yourself to live a life devoid of drug use in any form to have a clear and focused mind. Having a friend change their mind on living their lives with that sort of mentality isn't a time where you turn your back and leave them behind, embrace them and be there for them.

I don't ever want to put a friend through that feeling of guilt that they have decided to change their lifestyle to something different than they had believed in before. Change is one of the only truths in this world. If someone changes their mind around you, that means they are only human. Straightedge and living that sort of lifestyle is something that I personally have committed to, am proud about, and plan on being for the rest of my life. Of course I don't want to see substances ruin someone close to me and I will always be outspoken about addiction and the use of all drugs. Being straightedge is my choice, but I don't expect anyone else to follow in the same footsteps.

Being vegan is another story... hahaha.

I brought Dan back to LAX early this morning. I was so bummed to see him leave to go back to Connecticut. It was awesome to spend an entire week with my best friend again, and just rage like we used to almost every single day when I was back home. I had so much fun with him this week and was really glad he came out here. After this week, I'm continually reminding myself how genuine his friendship is and how important it is to have someone like that in your life to count on. I have nothing but positive things to say about Dan. Love that kid to death. I can't wait to go home in December and hang again.

I'll be back home from December 16th - December 30/31st, P.S.

These are some pictures from yesterday. Chris, Dan, and I went to the Wilcox Property to walk around and see all the doggies playing around up there. Chris and I also decided it would be a good idea to scale the side of the property to get to Hendry's Beach. At one point, there was a good six foot straight drop of rocks which I thought would be possible to simply walk down. Needless to say, I have some pretty gnarly cuts on the palms of my hands now.


I've been listening to a lot of The Get Up Kids and it makes me miss home a lot. I remember driving with my windows down, driving aimlessly; the cool Fall air swallowing any breath that went through my lips, raising little hairs on my arms while listening to Something to Write Home About. The leaves all changing color, falling off of their branches, covering the street in this multi-colored floor that crackled as my wheels went over top of them. I miss being able to do that. Luckily, the air has been getting much cooler here at night and it is as close as I will get to the chilly Fall air of the East Coast.

My playlist lately has consisted a lot of: Laura Manling, The Get Up Kids, Integrity, Ghostface, Blackbirds, His Hero is Gone, Johnny Flynn, and Oiltanker.


One day at a time, one day at a time..

Today began like any normal day would. Dan and I woke up early then picked up Scott, Eva, Chris, and Dalan to proceed to Six Flags in Valencia. We made a stop at Whole Foods prior to our excursion in rollercoaster world, grabbed some food, and made our way to the park. We were all running pretty low on sleep and high on adrenaline, so we cruised our way through the park with no lines at all the rides we wanted to go on. After about five real gnarly rides in to the day, Scott and I lost our marbles and our heads became completely dizzied. So, we both laid down in the middle of the park and napped for about two hours. You know what - none of this really matters! The best part of the day is as follows..

After our nap, we sat in the area pictured above to eat some lunch. We got yelled at by the cops also pictured above for "sitting in the driving lane" in the most condescending tone ever. So, afterwards, we make the short trek from the parking lot back into the park. We're walking towards the few rollercoasters we hadn't yet gone to, specifically Scream. As we're walking, a little boy peeks inside this non-descript steel door. His eyes get wide, and Dalan's get even wider. Dalan and I both go inside the door and see a giant stage in front of us. Of course we're going to explore. So, we get on the stage and begin peering around the corner. Almost as if it were just a big pot of gold sitting at the end of the rainbow, we stumbled across the costumes the people dress up in for Six Flags. Tweety, Marvin the Martian, Yosemite Sam, Bugs Bunny, etc - all the regular Warner Brothers crew members. Before I know it, Dalan is slipping his legs into the Porky costume and I'm helping him in with his arms, laughing so hard. We get the head off of the pegs and the costume is complete. We realized he would need the gloves, so we quickly found a pair and got him suited to start going outside. He is walking across the stage, up the stairs, and boom - we're out in the public with Dalan in a Porky the Pig costume at Six Flags.

Almost immediately, people are rushing to give him high fives and hugs with enormous smiles. He's playing the part - laughing, smiling, acting, giving high fives, waving. Two girls even decided to take a picture with him! All of us are LAUGHING so hard while this is happening. Chris gave him a big jump-frog hug, and almost knocked him over. Then Dan gave him a pretty good bounce in the head, and in the midst of some onlookers getting really irritated with these actions against a seemingly harmless Porky the Pig, we see Dalan getting escorted away by an actual person who works at Six Flags. All of us start getting stressed and are wondering what the fuck is happening.

All of a sudden, we see Dalan sprint out the door he was taken back into, sans costume, just asking us "WHERE'S THE GATE, WHERE'S THE GATE!" and the worker who caught him quickly in toe. He tried making a run for it, but ran into a dead end and was then swarmed with security and a whole bunch of people who staff Six Flags. He gets taken behind a wooden fence for at least an hour and we have no idea what's happening to him. Come to find out, they took his picture, gave him ridiculous drug/alcohol tests, and made a big deal out of him wearing the costume for a little bit. Apparently, Porky is also supposed to be wearing a blue sportscoat and a bow tie - we never even thought about it. He left with an in-the-mail-soon fine of $50 - $1000, signed paperwork that he is never allowed in any of the nation's Six Flags for life, and a giant smile on his face.

Today, I assisted one of my good friends in stealing a costume from Six Flags, laughed harder than ever while he played the part for a few minutes, and also witnessed my friend make a run for safety while all of his friends backed him up by being there and not giving the cops or security one bit of information, and never giving up concerning the fact that Dalan was getting in trouble for something so ridiculous. Stop taking your jobs so seriously.


Days like these are the ones that keep me here, keep me going, and keep me smiling.

Rainy morning, downtown State St., Taj Mahal Indian buffet, Westside house, Goleta, back to the Westside house, nap and food, home. Kind of just a slow, rainy, sleepy day. This is the first time it has rained in so long in Santa Barbara.

I forgot to add this picture to my post from the other night when I went out with Kayla; featured at the Brooks Institute gallery from their MFA photography students:

Dan is in California with me!! Biggest trouble makers in the world are united again.

LAX, Vegan Express, Vans outlet, Palm Gardens house,The King of Kong: Fistfull of Quarters (I saw Billy in LAX earlier that morning before seeing the movie - so ironic!!), Super Cucas, Ms. Pacman at Wash N Dry, mastery of the Santa Barbara High School jump, non-mastery of a construction sign jump on the ground, relatively successful dumpstering, and great sleep.

First Thursday, first date, Pizza Guru, Virgil's root beer floats, Dia de Los Muertos art, Day of The Dead masks, and moths with Kayla.