We've all got our own histories. This is what's left of me.

2007 was truly a roller coaster of a year. Things were constantly on a revolving basis of being really good, really bad, semi-good, or just okay. The beginning of the year began extremely rocky and after all the falls and dips, the end of the year is ending much more smoothly than it began which I think is a good thing. I made a lot of new friends this year, got a few new awesome tattoos, and obviously continued constantly learning and personal growth. I made some of the best memories this year with all my friends, especially Dan, and made it through some of the worst nights. There were so many truly priceless nights spent doing everything and nothing, and so many good memories of nights that I can never forget. I got my heart broken, I made a lot of bad decisions and a lot of mistakes that I have grown to forget and forgive myself for, I moved out of my parent's house, I saw a ton of good shows, and had some of the best nights of my life this year.

I'm anticipating 2008 and I'm curious to see what will come. My parents bought me a plane ticket to Santa Barbara for Spring Break in March, and that's all I'm looking forward to right now. I was able to land a job that I am extremely happy with and love doing almost every single day; I have never once worked with a company like L.L Bean or in a store environment like this one with an amazing management team and great coworkers for the most part. Next September starts a new school year, or a new traveling year. Everything is still unwritten, and I'm willing to wait it all out and see what happens. I am going to try to go into 2008 with no intentions, no expectations, and no hopes.

I have more to say about 2007, but I've learned that sometimes keeping memories to yourself is the best way to preserve how great they were. Once you share them, they lose their value and often times, the people involved in that memory are not the same they once were. I wish more than anything that the one person who played the second biggest role in my life this past year was still the same person she once was and wasn't at all how she is now. But that's what happens and time changes things sometimes.


Most Memorable Moments of 2007: Verse/Sinking Ships/Ceremony in Providence, Counting Crows/Live in Connecticut, Set Your Goals in Branford, and Municipal Waste in Branford. Seeing Modern Life is War and Verse almost every single show in the Northeast. The night of all dives with Dan at the Set Your Goals show while we both just kept pointing at each other. All of my trips with him to Boston, Wrentham, Providence, New Haven, and just hanging out at my parent's house. Summer drives and talks with Luc and Kate. Luc showing me Wii, growing closer to him and finding true friendship. Anastasia, and everything that will always be associated with that name - countless things. Ringing in 2007 with Mentos and Diet Coke. Going back to being vegan 100% and really enjoying it this time. Will Toftness and that dude becoming one of my closest friends, regardless of him rupturing my spleen in 2006. Moving into 15 Foster St. with Paul and Tim, and all of the insane nights that occurred since August involving sweet dives off the banister, house shows, breaking tables over my back, snowboarding on a table top down the roof, and the drunken escapades. Still being straightedge, still never giving in. Finding pieces of myself while taking the Intro to Literature class with Professor K and being able to grow immensely in one semester back at school for the first time in a year. Most of all, watching my older brother consistently struggle, however faint at times, to find himself and find eternal happiness.


There is far too much to say. 2007 will go down as being an extremely up and down year that ended more up than down. I'm still trying, still searching, still trying to piece everything together. This is continuous and 2008 will prove to bring it all further in focus. Thank you for being a part of my year. Stick around, and we'll see what happens next.

"All roads that head towards adventure always lead west.."

I don't know, sometimes I swear I could never leave New England. I was driving home tonight and all of the typical northern New England houses painted every hillside with their lights, the moon was the biggest I have ever seen it, and everything just had that really good winter/Christmas feel to it that I miss so much from when I was little.


But I know I have to. It's just something that comes next, and the more I don't pursue actually going to school in California, the more it eats away at my insides. I don't even know whether it's going to work out or not, but I'm not willing to put any worth into fate (just as I'm not in any other situation) - I would rather just find out for myself or I definitely will constantly regret it.

k: you gotta be top notch and totally on your game to meet the standards of christopher r. clark.


True story. I don't expect any less.


Current Soundtrack:
Shipwreck A.D - Abyss (hardest album of 2007)
Hanson - Snowed In
Mental - Live WERS
The Wrong Side - The Wrong Side of The Grave
Death Before Dishonor - Count Me In (2nd hardest album of 2007)

k: you have an unbelievable mind, christopher. that paired with your motivation to actually mold and reshape the foundations of society, and to close the innumerable holes within civilization, is going to bring you so many places. you're capable of so much, and i hope you realize this.

k: you've always been capable, but i don't think you were as prepared as you are now.

k: your convictions have always been strong and you've always been aware of them, but now you have the tools/know what to do with them.

<3

2007. Best/Worst.

Playing for keeps.

'Do you know, Antonia, since I've been away, I think of you more often than of anyone else in this part of the world. I'd have liked to have you for a sweetheart, or a wife, or my mother or my sister--anything that a woman can be to a man. The idea of you is a part of my mind; you influence my likes and dislikes, all my tastes, hundreds of times when I don't realize it. You really are a part of me.'

She turned her bright, believing eyes to me, and the tears came up in them slowly, 'How can it be like that, when you know so many people, and when I've disappointed you so? Ain't it wonderful, Jim, how much people can mean to each other? I'm so glad we had each other when we were little. I can't wait till my little girl's old enough to tell her about all the things we used to do. You'll always remember me when you think about old times, won't you? And I guess everybody thinks about old times, even the happiest people.'

As we walked homeward across the fields, the sun dropped and lay like a great golden globe in the low west. While it hung there, the moon rose in the east, as big as a cart-wheel, pale silver and streaked with rose colour, thin as a bubble or a ghost-moon. For five, perhaps ten minutes, the two luminaries confronted each other across the level land, resting on opposite edges of the world.

In that singular light every little tree and shock of wheat, every sunflower stalk and clump of snow-on-the-mountain, drew itself up high and pointed; the very clods and furrows in the fields seemed to stand up sharply. I felt the old pull of the earth, the solemn magic that comes out of those fields at nightfall. I wished I could be a little boy again, and that my way could end there.

We reached the edge of the field, where our ways parted. I took her hands and held them against my breast, feeling once more how strong and warm and good they were, those brown hands, and remembering how many kind things they had done for me. I held them now a long while, over my heart. About us it was growing darker and darker, and I had to look hard to see her face, which I meant always to carry with me; the closest, realest face, under all the shadows of women's faces, at the very bottom of my memory.

'I'll come back,' I said earnestly, through the soft, intrusive darkness.

'Perhaps you will'--I felt rather than saw her smile. 'But even if you don't, you're here, like my father. So I won't be lonesome.'

As I went back alone over that familiar road, I could almost believe that a boy and girl ran along beside me, as our shadows used to do, laughing and whispering to each other in the grass.

Economic prosperity does not equal success.

Love In The Time of Cholera, The Kite Runner, The Great Debaters, and Persepolis.

I miss it so much. Wanderlust for ever.

So, you know, if any of you were curious about getting me presents, here are your options:

1. Tattoos.

2. Sega Genesis with NBA Jam, Toe Jam and Earl 2, X Men, Ecco The Dolphin, The Lion King, Battletoads, Toy Story, Sonic 3d, Sonic 2, Bart's Nightmare, Olympic Winter Games 94, Revolution X, Mortal Kombat, Mighty Max, etc.

3. Wii.

4. Nintendo 64 with Goldeneye, The Legend of Zelda, Super Mario 64, Pokemon Snap, Mario Kart 64, Earthworm Jim 3d, South Park, Megaman 64, etc.

5. Nintendo (the original) with Paper Boy, the golden Zelda game, and Bubble Bobble. That's it.

5:24am. 11/10/07.

"Our first visit to the L.L Bean outlet in South Windsor, CT was to say the least, a very pleasant and pleasurable experience. Our encounter with a gentleman by the name of Chris in the Men's Department truly was a fantastic person to deal with. He was very helpful in locating items and sizes requested. What he brings to customer service is not something you encounter much of these days, either in person or over the telephone. He should be commended for his attitude, help, courteousness, and professionalism. He was very good. Needless to say, we WILL be back. Our shopping choices are many, being moments away from Buckland Hills mall. After our visit tonight, the choices, prices, and certainly people like Chris at your store make wanting to go to the mall nearby a lot less attractive. Keep up the good work and thank you again for a great shopping experience."


Heartwarming.


*Note: this was from a random customer at my store. It was emailed to L.L Bean in Freeport, then forwarded to my district manager, forwarded to my store manager, then forwarded to one of my assistant manager who gave it to me. L.L Bean is an awesome company to work for.

Nature's first green is gold,

her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

"Chris, you're never satisfied with anything."

Correct. I wish I could find a balance of being unsatisfied and satisfied. I think it's just the way my heart and head is rigged, to constantly search out the worst and work from there. Maybe I just get stuck there. I have a really hard time finding pleasure in smaller things now a days.
I think it's been this way for a while.

traffic signals

the old folks play a game
in the park overlooking the sea
shoving markers across cement
with wooden sticks.
four play, two on each side
and 18 or 20 others sit in
the sun and watch
I notice this as I move
towards the public facility
as my car is being repaired.

an old cannon sits in the park
rusted and useless.
six or seven sailboats ride
the sea below.

I finish my duty
come out
and they are still playing.

one of the women is heavily rouged
wearing false eyelashes and smoking
a cigarette.
the men are very thin
very pale
wear wristwatches that hurt
their wrists.

the other woman is very fat
and giggles
each time a score is made

some of them are my age.

they disgust me
the way they wait for death
with as much passion
as a traffic signal.

these are the people who believe advertisements
these are the people why buy dentures on credit
these are the people who celebrate holidays
these are the people who have grandchildren
these are the people who vote
these are the people who have funerals

these are the dead
the smog
the stink in the air
the lepers.

these are almost everybody
finally.

seagulls are better
seaweed is better
dirty sand is better

if I could turn that old cannon on them
and make it work
I would.

they disgust me.

Sometimes, you just have to let go. Disconnect yourself. Forget that there are other people watching and peering in.

A Personal Narrative in The Life of Atrocity and Humiliation and Despair.

"The only thing worse than losing the one thing that you love is having the one thing that you love turn into everything that you fucking hate."

What happens when that person is yourself? When you're the one that lost yourself, and now you are the one you despise. A self-destructive past, taking down everything with you. Masochistic.

I was re-taught a very important lesson this past weekend: "I hope you know that in the future - when it comes between the new sofa and a trip around the world, you choose the trip around the world."

A very quaint, soft spoken old woman was looking for a safari hat for her adventure. At first, I assumed it was just some lame tourist trap of a safari that she doesn't really care about and just wants to make the claim that she's seen some animals in the wild. I helped her find a hat that fit just right and was the right color. I asked her where she was traveling to for the safari, and I was surprised when I got the response back, "Well, my husband and I are going to Botswana." This intrigued me for obvious reasons, and I pushed it a little further to fill my inkling of desire to know more deeply about the travels of this woman's life. She began to tell me these grandiose stories of traveling the globe, and seeing far off cultures, of living in Japan, of walking small paths and side streets in Cambodia, of seeing South America. It takes most people their entire lives to fill up one passport, however - this woman was on her third after this trip. After crossing from country to country on the other side of the water, she was able to fill up pages upon pages of lasting stamped memories from her adventures. She remarked, "I am so fortunate enough now to travel in leisure as I have never had the opportunity when I was younger. I traveled the cheapest way possible, and I don't think in my age that my body could hold up to that anymore!"

We stood in a corner in my department for 15 minutes, while her husband unknowingly was waiting in their car in the parking lot. I lived off of these woman's words, telling me about her travels and I lived vicariously through someone's life who had seen much of what I can only dream of at night. She left me soon after our talk, in need to aid to her starving husband. But not only with that lesson, "Well, [looks at my name tag].. Chris, I hope I have inspired you. Remember that you will get there. It's only a matter of time." I told her to come back after her trip and let me know how it was. She told me she would specifically ask for me.


It's really important to me to examine your life and the places you've been. I think this time of year, more than anything, creates a longing for more and as the season grows on into winter and the snow starts falling, I will keep thinking of the places that I have been and the places that I still wish to go.


My parents adopted a new dog this weekend. I think my father started to get lonely without little paws walking around the house, clicking and clacking on the wood floors. It was time for my dad to get a new dog, but I felt really uneasy when I put it in context of what it really is. I didn't feel comfortable yet to replace the idea of Xena with a new dog yet. I remember I was about to leave for my trip, and I was sitting on a stool in my kitchen. Xena was sitting on the ground like she always did, her little tail wagging and her cute, enormous puppy eyes looking up at me 'cause she knew I had to go. I carried the pack of water out to my car and came back inside to say goodbye. She jumped up into my chest when I knelt down. When I came back from my trip, after things started getting really awful, I felt much closer to her than any other person in my life. I counted on Xena to be there, laying in my bed after a shitty day at work or another day of being made promises I knew were going to be broken by someone who I loved. Her death came at the most inopportune time, and since then, I have never dealt with it like I should have. I miss her. I just don't think I'm ready to move on yet. She was my best friend when I felt I had nothing else.


In my literature class, we had a guest speaker come in who's book of poetry we read and there were many intriguing stories that he had written about in his prose. As an introduction to preface his life, he informed us all that he had traveled 9,000 miles, hitchhiking the United States in the 80's. Sure, there were people that could have killed him but they were all really nice, and he is quite sure that there are still those nice people today. The collection of poems were about the meaning of life, dreaming, death, how things change - general themes. One of my favorites was called, "The Tail".

After a rich night of dreams
I woke up this morning with a long ponytail.
This is the way it was years ago, yet how could this be?
I stood and peered into the mirror. It was no lie.
Overnight it had returned, neatly braided
and cinched with bright elastics.
green, blue, red.

My wife was delighted and wanted to
unbraid it and make love immediately.
I thought she might have sewn it on
in the night, but her quick tug told me
it had grown from the scalp.

I had been reading about Indians
for the past few weeks, and I knew
the power of language. Lame Deer's words
read carefully enough,
combined with a certain dream,
might produce a little hair.
But this familiar appendage seemed returned,
filaments conducting some message.

I examined the tail of brown and gray
strands. Somewhere, I realize, they've elected
more Republicans. In a small town, someone
just told a musician he needs to get a real job.
Or a woman mouthed off and the billy club came down
again. Across town, perhaps, a CEO dipped his foot
in the pool to see if the temp was just right
In a jungle or a desert somewhere,
another city kid just crossed himself and kissed his dog tags.

In a minute or two, each strand had a voice,
each strand had weight, and the community of hair
became a rope that pulled me into their choir.
[And I still sing in that choir..]

After class, he signed the front page of my copy of his book. "Dear Chris - From one radical to another.." was enough.

Sometimes, we are so lucky to be a part of a really great moment in time and get the chance to have a breeze of fresh air linger through our lungs and up through our mouths for minutes at a time. If we have the ability to hold on to those moments and truly take them for what they are, there is no way our hearts can be diminished or taken for less than they are. It's a great mystery, living and learning and moving on and every complexity of human life. You look at everyone around you individually and everyone has their own story of their lives and where they are and what they hope to accomplish and the things that are dragging them down or weighing their hearts to the pit of their stomach. I have them, too - deep down in the confides of my soul, there are secrets that I will never tell and stories that I want to speak and people that should hear the words that circle themselves inside my head. It's an intricate web and if you take yourself away from it for a few minutes in your life, it's really a great feeling.

My posts came in great bursts, maybe I will work on trying to write more frequently so these posts are easier to read. I want to try to write more honest, more open as well. Help me with this.

This is the first time I've gotten a chance to watch this video. It's absolutely disturbing. I am completely shocked that this happened and not one fucking person raised a finger to pry these pigs off of the student. This was a Q+A with Senator Kerry at University of Florida in which the student had a very LEGAL, important, pressing question to ask. And to think that the United States government and their puppet force of bullshit stormtroopers make their case of censorship this present and right out in the fucking open.. I guess nothing should surprise me anymore.

Why did Senator Kerry not say a thing to end this obvious abuse of force? Why did all of the students in this auditorium watch and scream as this occured? Why did the police cut the microphone from a student who was in his own rights, asking a question and engaging in intellectual conversation with Mr. Kerry? There are a lot of unanswered questions about this movie. However, thank god that motherfucker didn't become president.

There were a thousand and one actions that could have taken place in this situation, physical or not. Whatever is in your comfort level of resistance. If you see this shit happening around you, don't stand around and watch but ACT. And if you are a police officer or on your way to becoming a police officer, fuck you.

Written last week..

Six years ago, the end times began and everything got fucking worse and worse. There is no peace, there is no justice, there is absolutely no understanding, and we are still being run by the same ethnocentric, nationalist motherfuckers who got us here in the first place.

Like we weren't begging for 9/11 to happen or it wasn't expected, and like the international world wasn't waiting for our turn after the complete devastation and poverty we've put the entire world into since the World War 2. Yeah, it sucks tons of people had to die - but look at the MILLIONS and MILLIONS of people we have killed, the countries that we support who exterminate their people and use mass genocide, turning our backs on third world countries who were put into that capitalist economic class by our own fucking greedy selves in the first place.

If you lost family or friends in this, I'm sorry - think of the family and friends and neighbors ALSO lost in Iraq and Afghanistan since 9/11 and how they feel. Despair and sadness is the same, no matter the culture.

So wave your flags today, say the pledge of allegiance, and add one more stupid ribbon to your car - obviously showing support for YOUR troops. Remember that - YOUR. They sure as fuck aren't mine. If they wanted to fight a worthwhile cause, they would be fighting here, at home.

Delete me off your friends list if this bothers you. Nah, I don't support the troops one bit. The Army, Marines, Navy, Coast Guard - all offering incentives to join and serve, praying on the poor and the misguided and the ones without a plan after high school to blindly support our country and our culture and our way of life by killing people in other countries abroad for the sake of a giant lie, spider webbed into present day.

It's tough to let go of memories and people and move on, but sometimes the hardest thing is the right thing.

School is going okay. Spanish class rules, History and Lit are a lot of reading, Anthropology is the same, and Geography is pretty boring. I started work this weekend which was good. I bet you didn't know L.L Bean has a totally free program for their employees which will help them quit smoking.//




I saw this book in Border's, how fucking awful is that. Hey, way to go American media - teach our daughters the best way to live their lives:


The leaves are finally changing color, I was able to get this on my phone really quick while driving. Fall is my favorite season - best weather for the Northeast and best feeling:


Will Toftness's fucking pumpkins! His pop grows these monsters in his backyard for a competition in Connecticut. These pictures don't do them justice, and Will couldn't take a picture of me in front of them to save his life - but they are fuckin' huge!:

The things we miss the most.

Nothing new has really been going on. I started classes again for the first time since May 2006 on Wednesday. It's been two days, and already I feel like I took on a little too much. Whatever, though - it will be good for me.

Since I have nothing of value to say, check out this leaked picture from Where The Wild Things Are which will be released on October 3rd, 2008. Directed by Spike Jonez, lots of surprises to come apparently.

As always, click on the picture to make it bigger. Any pictures I post in here, just click on them to get the actual size.

I wish I had long, flowing locks like this dude.

So I got my work done on my back today by T.C. It's coming together extremely well, looks great. We did some more hair on the hannya, re-touched some of the shading around the edges, and overall just did a small overhaul on most of the work that had already existed. If you get the chance and are looking for a great place in Connecticut to get tattooed, I highly recommend checking out Ace of Spades.

Ace of Spades Tattoo - New Britian, CT
T.C Williams

Listless.

Every once in a while, things catch up on you from the shadows of your life and leave you hollow and empty and feeling completely alone. It should be known that after riding high for so long, you're bound to crash. Constantly feeling like you made the wrong decision in every aspect of your life is a truly paralyzing thought.






This is one of those times. Does anybody listen anymore? Where did everyone go? Feeling miserable sucks.

I just don't think it's going to work out this time.

It feels weird to start writing in a medium like this again. I felt it was neccessary to not take part in such a self-fulfilling, seemingly selfish act such as writing in a public blog in order to share your thoughts. But I guess this medium is a good way to just air some things out, and clear my head.

I'm not quite sure where to start. This is going to be the shortest version of the real life story ever. After I came home from my road trip last September, everything drastically changed after being home for a few weeks. I ended up hitting bottom, hard, and pretty much distanced myself from anything and everything. Things got so fucked up and I thought I was the one to blame for it all. And now, so much has happened and changed since then. There have been people walking in and out of my life ever since and it feels really weird, almost translucent (if that even makes sense), to look back on it all now. When things change in such a magnitude they did, it's a really odd feeling to look back and see how things have morphed. Regardless, I picked myself up and got back on my feet. Shortly after, I met and began dating a truly amazing and beautiful girl and that also fell apart before, in my opinion, it even reached it's full potential. So, within a span of one year, two awful incidents happened relationship-wise which totally left me empty handed and heavy hearted. And now I'm here, figuring out my past and dealing with my future and figuring out what fits in where and whether forgiving is okay and if I can really love the same way I once did and if my heart is really all it's cracked up to be anymore.

Since being on my road trip and coming back, I've gotten this undeniable and unquenchable thirst for adventure. I feel like I am solely going to forever be on the search for happiness and endless adventure and will most likely come up empty handed. As someone close to me put it, it might be that I am just setting myself up for disappointment no matter where I am. Time tells all, apparently.

I swore up and down for so long that going back to California was going to be the solution, and after close examination of everything as well as my wallet, I realized this was presently unfeasible and quite possibly just an unrealistic dream of mine. My girlfriend at the time was supposed to come out with me and then return but communication was wrong or something got mixed up and those plans were foiled. I put off school for an entire year and worked an awful dumbing job for a handful of months while everything still fell apart at times and came back together at times and then fell apart again. And again, here I am.

I recently moved out of my parent's house and have moved to Manchester with three friends. I'm going back to community college for one more year and will figure things out afterwards. Maybe another year off for traveling purposes, maybe California finally, maybe somewhere else. After everything, one lesson I can lend to everyone is that planning things out only leads to let downs and a total diminishing feeling of hope and expectations.

I'm figuring things out. That's where I stand. And I still stand firmly - 'with or without you'. I hope to update this regularly, so if you can deal with my ramblings and sometimes self-absorbed bullshit, come back and check it out.

"Our bodies are prisons for our souls. Our skin and blood, the iron bars of confinement. But fear not. All flesh decays. Death turns all to ash. And thus, death frees every soul."